The Totally Awesome Guide To Touring Toronto, Volume II.

So, amateur tourist — you’ve absorbed a little of the local Toronto flavor, but it’s the outskirts of a city that truly define the core, so let’s hop on the highway (that’s motor- or freeway to you outsiders) and follow the yellow brick road to rural Ontario.

If you’re British, please remember to drive on the RIGHT side of the road after picking up your Duplo-style sport utility vehicle, and away we go!

Passing through Scarborough due to the inevitable weekend closure of the Don Valley Parkway, one takes in the sights and scents of Kingston Road en route to the 40l. If you’ve decided to upgrade your journey’s route, dismissively uninviting the myriad of exciting people you’re bound to encounter blaring clipped bass boost from souped-up Honda Civics, you can get a similar effect by pressing pause and play alternately on the DVD of the Queen Latifah hit TAXI. If you’re anything like me, you will likely be watching this from the passenger seat in the chauffeured comfort of your Aston Martin DB6 Volante.

Mode of transportation notwithstanding, the chase is on for fun and frolic in the Ontario wilderness, so strap in and let’s get rural.

My personal preference is for the Canadian Shield rather than the typical Muskokas, strictly on the basis that I want to see fewer of the people I’m leaving the city to get away from. 8 dollar beers at the Muskoka local are nothing to sneeze at, whereas the dust on the last bottles of Spumante Bambino (this rural town’s finest) – Are.

Keynote on Ontario/Alcohol – If it wasn’t clear to you from the preceding post, it is imperative that one acknowledges that it is practically un-possible to get wine, beer, or spirits without purchasing them from Ontario’s Finest. I’m fairly confident that Ontario is one of the only provinces with such a horrifying policy, but let me assure you it is one of the major drivers in muy emigracion, let me tell you.

You’ve purchased the driest white you can find (red wines stain teeth and taste like cork. It’s a personal wine-mantra) and most of the village’s supply of vodka. Your hair and makeup should emulate Bette Davis in Whatever Happened To Baby Jane
as you toddle wearily into the country house to freshen up. Leave your driver to unpack the bags, as you’ve got a date with destiny.

Who needs nature walks when you can nature-off-road! Meet your car away from cars, the Rhino.

Unlike its predecessors, the Rhino (aka the Homo Erectus of the ATV world) is prone to flipping, so make sure you pop your drink on a coaster before you make a big old silly mess of it all. If you look to your left, you’ll find various mosses, grasses, branches, woodlandness, rocks, dirt, et cetera. Don’t become mesmerized for too long, as you’re meant to be driving now that we’re up north and it’s a sport and not a chore!

If you’re hitting the water, you must remember to look enchanting, even in the event of traversing at speeds defying terminal velocity. One must look one’s best, even in plaid — King and country, don’t you agree!?

After the booze is gone and you’ve had enough of country-time life, you might consider stopping at one of Canada’s most loved institutions for a bit of good old-fashioned slumming. Yes, I’m talking about Tim Horton’s.

Yes, you, too can pretend to be an early-rising hockey mom with a full day ahead of carting kids to and from the arena for Ringette Shinny, or equivalent winter sportiness. Just say it, for funsies! “I’ll have a triple double and Andy needs me to get the truck back AY-SAP!” Role-playing never tasted so double-roasted!

You’ll need to catch up on some sleep after the billion-hour drive there and back, but not likely, is it? You’ve got more touristing to do! Get your ass back to city life, and try to ignore the hateful jealousy Cityfolk might send your way. Remember, Envy is a sin!

Night night!

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