All Of Canada: Explained.

HAPPY CANADA DAY!

Yes friends of all nations, now you, too, can celebrate as we Canadians do. Step one: get drunk (not as consistently as the Brits and not with the ferocity of the Australians — but do maintain an air of superiority while denouncing pedestrian 0.3% American Beer). Step two: Accidentally light your hand on fire while making fireworks happen somewhere they shouldn’t. Actually, for safety’s sake, maybe just watch the following clips, which explain ALL of Canada. Enjoy! xx

First I gotta school you. If you don’t know DEGRASSI then you basically need a crash course. Sponsored by TAMPAX (awkward…) this half-hour of low-rent awesomeness focused on REAL TEEN ISSUES such as drinking, kissing boys, getting mono, “DOING IT”, anorexia… you name it. There was even a “don’t do acid OR YOU WILL DIE” episode. In fact, I think “OR YOU DIE” was the official conclusion to everything in this show. “Be nice to your parents… OR THEY WILL DIE.” “Don’t be mean to your poety-goth boyfriend…..OR HE WILL BRING A GUN TO SCHOOL”. Madness. We like absolutes, we Canadians.

Great. Now that you’re all growed up, it’s time for your father to take you out to a field and do exactly what his father before him did. Yes, that’s right. Get pathetically drunk.

Seriously, though, this is a totally Canadian issue. It’s such a serious Canadian issue that the Totally serious Canadian Ministry of Health paid for this high-budget PSA… Hey dad… um… can you… “GO TO BED!!!”

Er, FORGET ABOUT DAD! Let’s get Family Valuesey instead. In fact let’s have the most literal sitcom intro via song and also the poorest production values ever to be attributed to a national broadcast IN ONE HANDY VIDEO…

Speaking of family values, why isn’t there a program where a night-shift employee hangs around with puppets in a department store and fancies gay male mannequins so much she’s all for having them come to life? Hmm… Bit pervy, rally… “Looks like we’re headin’ up to the Children’s Department…again…”

No, but seriously, Canadians fucking love a good shopping centre.

Also, it wouldn’t be Canadiana if there wasn’t a good dose of environmental friendliness in video-clip format, right? Being Eco is HOT, babe. Like this man’s voiceNote: This man’s voice WILL give you a Daddy-complex.

Also: This guy. David Suzuki, much?

Kids shows featuring outdoorsiness: The Raccoons (this is basically about Vancouver), Fred Penner’s Place (again; VANCOUVER. Velvet Jumpsuits.)

HEY. Are you drinking again? Stop drinking, dammit!

Although, you know, if you can stuff a mouse into a beer bottle you can get a free case, eh?

Yes, blame IMAGINATION DAY for that one.

But seriously though, Canada is a super sporty wonderland of awesomeness. Don’t you know we built the WORLD’S FIRST RETRACTABLE ROOFED STADIUM?

Also we bred Stanislavsky-trained actor Wayne Gretzky. And Mike Meyers, the Sutherlands, Céline, Alanis, Corey Haim, Corey Hart, Rachel McAdams, Ryan Gosling, Justin Beiber, Avril Levigne, Hayden Christiansen (ahem, who also was in my class in high school even though I am younger and prettier), Alex Trebek, Catherine O’Hara, Carole Pope, John Candy, Dan Ackroyd, Elisha Cuthbert, Howie Mandel, Bryan Motherfucking Adams, Joe Dinicol, Scott Pilgrim, Michael J Fox, Leonard Cohen, Mary Pickford, Sarah Polley, Shania Twain, Keanu Reeves, Leslie Neilsen, Tom Green, Pammy Anderson and Neil Young. So suck our collective fame.

Oh and you know who else is Canadian (by descent)? SUPERMAN. Oh, it’s IMPLIED.

Is it getting hot in here? I think my head is about to explode…

Lastly, let’s not forget Canada’s BEST HAMBURGER OF 1982. (WHY IS THIS A COMMERCIAL?)

Oh Fuck it, I’m throwing The Toothbrush family in. BECAUSE I’M WASTED. xx

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