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nikki awesome blows out candles like WOAH

At least 70% of being an artist of any description is absorbing everything around you, so that when you produce something (and hopefully a ‘relevant something’) it will be a creative mishmash of pop- and social- and controversi- and IWasDrunk-cultures with at least some degree of depth, and not just some “MEH”, paint-by-numbers, Lego house reproduction of the successful art you’ve seen or heard before.

So, if you follow the subtext, this semi-explains my absence from blogging – I’ve been observing-sans-reporting and percolating so as to slam dunk some sounds all over you for 2012.  Yes, I know you’re all fed up with hearing this over and over and over and over (like a monkey with a miniature cymbal), but obviously when one creates something new and exciting, it’s far more new and exciting than the last creation, and therefore all the previously-deemed-appropriate hourly agonizations resulting in a final product five minutes ago are rendered immediately obsolete.

It also takes a while to extrapolate high-energy joyful disappointment (or ‘disco music for cutters’, if you will) and package it appropriately in a manner that doesn’t reek of self-indulgent musical masturbation, or that if it does at least it’s intentional. (Unintentional self-indulgent musical masturbation = Going to the acoustic show of a girlfriend’s boyfriend only to be ‘shushed’ as he waxes poetic about granola and how hard it is being a white twentysomething with a goatee. And she’s all ‘Isn’t he so soulful? His lyrics are like, so deep.’ while he’s all ‘pot makes me think about….the universe, man‘.  Fucking hippies.)

Anyhow, did you really think I would abandon you?  It’s been four years of madness, audience – one would think you’d have gotten the whole ‘she likes to be listened to, whatever the random misdirected discourse-for-one is’ thing by now.  I shan’t be leaving anytime soon (barring total death or any other romantically tragic complications) so stay tuned, and if you’re really that desperate, (PLUG PLUG PLUG) you should start following me on Twitter already, where you get the bonus realtime NikkiAwesome bonus, and you won’t have to bitch so much in real life, ’cause I’ll be all over that for you.  You can spend your time saying “omg yeah totally” while going about your day-to-day as a positive and happy person.  Perhaps small woodland creatures will flock to your new positive outlook in charming, Disneylike fashion. Really, I should be charging for this, is what I’m getting at.

So, to summarize the above: Yes, I was gone, but I was brain-baking some wicked treats for you and they’re piping hot and you’ll be all ‘thanks for that’, so chill with the complainy comments already!  We will soon be once again deconstructing hideous attempts at ‘fashion’, enraging conservatives, inappropriately encountering the rat race in far too many daylight sequins, and taunting pot-smoking, hackysack-playing hippies (but you can’t get wifi on a didgeridoo though, so they’ll never see it, without your help in spreading the message) .

Today’s topic is IN 2012, WHAT SOCIAL INAPPROPRIATENESS SHOULD BE PUNISHABLE BY DEATH? 

Now, I realize that this is a controversial topic, particularly as everyone all over the internerd is getting all ‘uppity politically correct tsk-tsker’ after a few blogs have come out to say ‘THIS is why you shouldn’t do this or say that”.  I don’t actually have that much of an issue with attempting to be a bit more sensitive with the way one speaks/writes so as not to piss everyone off and scandalize the anonymous millions with ‘um wow, you’re actually totally racist/sexist/whateverist’.  HOWEVER – that being said, I’m more than a bit disappointed that rather than open a dialogue to debate evolving ‘socially OK’ language and the WHY’s behind the move toward one thing and away from another, more often than not the ‘offender’ is bullied into submission and a defensive position, afraid of appearing as though they ARE racist/sexist/whatever (even though they probably are) and not really ‘getting’ the reasons behind it.  This just leads to closet discrimination, people.  Rather than chastise someone into aligning with your point-of-view (because that always works, right), try explaining. And explaining again. Or hit them with a chair. But fuck off with the tsk-tsking and judgement, as it makes thou no better!

So, back to my topic.

SOCIALLY INAPPROPRIATE ACTIVITIES TO BE HERETOFORE PUNISHABLE BY DEATH

Rerecording Motown classics *badly and selling them on iTunes for the same price as the original (limbs should be removed prior to public disemboweling to the sweet sounds of the original recording of  Stop! In The Name Of Love)

Riding a fucking unicycle. Really? Was the Penny Farthing rental agency all out of appropriately douchebaggy bikes? Are you for serious? You’re so ‘zany’.

Body glitter on part-time substitute teachers bussing in from the suburbs to linger for happy hour in the financial district and hope for the apparition of a husband. Just get a third cat and dress it up like a baby already!

The whole ‘lets do the girlfriend/boyfriend experience’ thing and then DISAPPEARING – when you could probably just be honest/not totally cowardly and say ‘im not really feeling it’, rather than letting the other person deal with the #HUHWHAT of figuring out why you picked them to be a complete cock to.

The selling or purchasing of items that are a total ‘FUCK OFF’. I was told that in Camden, there is a stall that sells pre-crookeded top hats. While it suffices to say that Camden is hideous and vile and THAT EXPLAINS THAT, #Seriously!? Are you the goddamn Artful Dodger or something? Fashion JAIL.

I HEART WHATEVER CITY shirts – when wearing them in the city you’re claiming to love. I’m just not feeling it. Maybe not DEATH, but certain maiming. Unless there’s sequinage involved. Then immediate death, obviously.

This blog entry is getting a little ‘too wordy’, already. So Imma leave it here and I’m happy to recieve your submissions, which I will take to parliament and everyone will applaud when I deliver them on a broadcast with the Queen and she’s all ‘here’s your OBE and such’ and I become a ‘Lady’ and there’s a montage of me doing country-house things for offensively wealthy people and having staff and whatever. Fade. Credits.

LOVE!

xx

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