Incited by tweet to keep up my birthday VOW (you know it’s serious WHEN….), I trekked through the daffodil-speckled tundra that is grey South West London to source my daily Twix.
I hit up the local shop, called Nisa (which has done my head in for almost two years while I’ve tried to figure out if it’s called “nice-Ah” or “Neese-Ah” and renders me so uncomfortable that I simply drop my purchases and run out the door. That and the fact that they’re generally shit/the only thing open late. However, we’re running with it) so as to get my #TwixFix.
PS – TwixFixin’ totally generated this new trend (as in WE [as in THE ROYAL ‘WE’]’RE MAKING IT A “THING”) on Twitter, #IWouldWednesday (#IWW for short), enabling me to confess my recent heartache over the breakup between me and Ryan Gosling, thanks to a certain person who shall remain nameless saying “I guess you could call him ‘YOUNG JERKULES’ when you get mad at him” back in the Breaker High days. Thanks a bunch. Dear @ryangosling, #IStillWould.
As an aside (to this aside), is this whole TWIX MADNESS to be my documented downfall, like that guy from A MILLION LITTLE BURGERS or SUPERSIZE-MOI or whatever? Today we’re avoiding copyright infringement, kids.
Anyway, there I was, in Nisa, completely surrounded by the best and the worst Britain has to offer. I thought it might be a fancy treat to let all you Olympian freaks know what you’re in for before you get here with the expectation of “Classic English Delicacies”. You might want to pack low on clothes, high on that bread from LORD OF THE RINGS where they could just eat it forever and always be full or something, ’cause you’re headed into some serious Mordor shit WRT the food over here.
Issue Number One: Pomegranate and WHA?
What the fucking fuck is with some of the flavour-combinations here? REALLY? Grossville! I realize I am guilty of some food-sins (Baked Potato/Veggie Pate/Soy Sour Cream/Thai Hot Sauce, Dried Chow Mein noodles in Nutella – DON’T YOU JUDGE ME, *YOU* COME TO THIS BLOG, BABY), but this is really and truly unfair to force unsuspecting shoppers into fathoming.
Seriously? Pomegranate/Passionfruit INSTANT OATMEAL? Wtf are you thinking, Quaker Oats guy? Poultry Paté sounds just nondescript enough to totally convince me it’s made of chicken feet and feathers – another reason to embrace vegetarianism. Oh and if that wasn’t enough, HEINZ has come out with some (presumably equally vomitous) competition for their classic Spaghetti (LOL) and Meatballs – Spaghetti + Pepperoni. It’s not just for pizza anymore, Generic-Italian-Flavoring-Guy says!
Issue Number Two: That SHOULD NOT come in a can, mate.
The Header Said It All.
Um, I know I’m a vegetarian, but I’m pretty sure Americans generally don’t enjoy their American-Style Giant Hot Dogs out of a CAN. It goes down pretty poorly when they’re chucking them out at the ballpark. For future reference: avoid all products with ‘Ye Olde’ on them. Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s a standard life-rule.
Issue Number Three: FOOD RACISM
Do I really need to explain this? What’s with the segregation of the Vanilla party and the Cocoa party? Oh, I mean, “Vagnilla”, or whatever that says. Either way, #Fail.
Issue Number Four: Foods & Labels that make you go ‘HMMMMMMMM’
Random British Grossness. Really, “Daddies’ Secret Handjob Sauce”? Everything about this section makes me feel massively uncomfortable. Like I feel like my iPhone needs to go to church now.
Issue Number Five: Of All Travesties, HOW VERY DARE YOU
This is CRIMINAL. See Below.