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Have I explained my hideous fear of rabbits that I only just discovered? Probably not. You’re in luck, I’m totally all over explaining this so one day Maury Povich can throw a burlap sack of them in my face or something. (Non-North American readers, you’ll have to google Maury Povich making people face their phobia of PEACHES – the fruit not the singer – basically this was the only topic on his show EVER except for “you are NOT the father.” It’s what we had instead of The Weakest Link, before we had The Weakest Link.)

The reason this struck me as so odd was because once I realized they super freak me the fuck out, I realized how many things I own that are rabbit-related. LOADS. To the degree that the above image is my screensaver, they feature ALL THE TIME in my work (see below) and blah blah blah. That’s kind of a #wtf. Realizing you actually are shocked and terrified by something you’re willingly around. And it not being just a conceptual thing.

Reasons rabbits are terrifying

  1. You may not realize this, but their eyes are on either side of their head. So they are prone to FREAKING OUT. I’m pretty sure I’ve made the decision to be a bit freaked out of things with eyes that can’t see in the same direction at the same time. This included but is not limited to: fish, birds, horses, cows, sheep.
  2. GIANT GNASHING TEETH AND POWERFUL CLAWS WITH WHICH TO CLAW YOU.
  3. Did anyone ever tell you they’re RODENTS?
  4. “GIANT” “RODENT” “GNASHING” “TEETH”.
  5. I suspect they know I have things made out of them.
  6. Supersonic hearing. They know all your secrets.
  7. They smell funny.
  8. ENORMOUS rabbits exist in life in like, Germany or something. I nearly cut it off the map after realizing this was not a photoshop joke.
  9. The Velveteen Rabbit is sad.
  10. Rabbits try to convince you that they’re all lovely and gentle and then use your lap as a toilet before giving you allergy-related welts and hideous bites and scratches.

Whatever, here’s a song.

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