WordPress gave me a gentle nudge when I logged in to remind me that not only have I not given you any year-end wit wrapped in wisdommy insight at all (like your discount, more attractive Mr Miyagi), but that I have also failed to acknowledge my own website’s fourth birthday.  D’awwww.  I’m such a negligent parent, and we’re smiling cause we still don’t know where that CO2 leak’s coming from. 

Party hats on, people, for we have things to discuss.  Mainly I was supposed to go blah blah blah Happy New Year but that shit fades fast and I’ve got issues about being the girl who does the “OMG that’s so TOTALLY different to everyone else” thing that you’ll always remember and secretly love forever.  So instead, we’re going to talk about ENYA!  (Side note to Enya: you might consider incorporating an exclamation point into your name.  It catches people off-guard, which I feel you kind of need at this stage in your career, now that all the music for The Hobbit is complete, unless of course you will be too busy staging a battle on the planet of Endor or something.  Just promise me you’ll think about it, okay?)

So I found myself watching the video for ORINOCO FLOW today (yes, that sentence just happened) and thinking OMG ENYA(!) – Wot Are You Liiiiiike?!

Many things to never publicly discuss include

  • 00:14 – Peter Gabriel’s Sledgehammer? Is that you? Oh wait, never mind, this is about the beauty of nature… Okay ENYA(!) – have it your way.  Are you a watercolour painting from Elven times or an actual true real woman? I’m confused.
  • 00:29 – Okay this is disturbingly like having a geography lesson from a Christian virgin.  Are you having a neck spasm?  Should I call a chiro?
  • 00:34 – OMG *YOU* are so “over it.”  Did they tell you you actually had to sing it 900 times because the CASSETTE TAPE wore out from too much REWINDING?  (That’s me talking about how ancient this video is.)  Also, just to follow up that stinger, when it came out I may have enjoyed pretending I had an invisible pony named Clip-Clop and circling the table in the grand ballroom.  (That’s totally an ‘I’m so young and wealthy’ comment to show how fabulous I am, Enya(!). And how I can only be pushed so far before I’ll react with utter pretentiousness.)
  • 00:35 – Oh that eyebrow thing is like, a thing.
  • 00:36 – This is kind of like watching a seagull trying to swallow a bagel.  On repeat. Actually it’s sort of soothing when I think of it this way.  And seagulls have the word ‘sea’ in them which is working with all the water-stuff.
  • 00:55 –hummingbird?  Are you purposely fucking with me, Enya(!)?! 
  • 01:15 – OK, we’re balls-deep in the second verse and I’ve just realized why I feel like I’m in a singalong geography class – that’s what this shit IS.  You’re just naming names of places without even the common decency to be rapping!  Also your sailing concept has gone completely out the window.  I’ve got a feeling of foreboding that this is going to be unironically in my head for like, forever and then I’ll feel obliged to explain it to everyone, thereby totally bringing it back in a way that makes me look like a complete mentalist, like saying “I love you,” to the delivery man, accidentally.
  • 01:53 – I’ve really lost patience with this.  I’m trying to commit to watching the rest of the video but it’s like you’ve given up.  You are not allowed to rest on the laurels of your non-rap geography shout-out choon to give me a half assed delivery I’d expect from the likes of Lauren Conrad.  I officially do not care for this. 
  • 02:35 – I’m actually having physical discomfort based solely on your facial over-expressiveness.  I have discovered it but I won’t take the credit.  It’s the ENYA! Syndrome.  (I have however optioned out the option of not using an exclamation mark in the spelling of the syndrome’s name.  Seriously, you should think about it.)
  • 02:51 – I am having this moment of clarity that all the bullshit in life I encounter I probably bring on myself, like compulsively watching this video. I was going to hammer it home because I’m sure there’s a thrilling conclusion of you being all “oh actually, I’m not an impressionist painting,” but I just can’t.
  • Okay it lasted about 20 seconds and obviously I had to know what happens in the end of ENYA! The Musical (I have just obtained the rights).  Seriously, we’re going to be changing all of this for the “On Ice” version.  Which will be all versions.

So yeah.  SURPRISE!  WE TALKED ABOUT ENYA! AND YOU LOVED IT AND PROBABLY *TOTALLY* WATCHED THE VIDEO. (For the record, I have money riding on this.)  So if you REALLY want to know what Clip-Clop and I danced around the table to (admittedly Orinoco Flow probably featured, but it was just a passing fancy), turn your speakers up to “fucking rave” and CHECK THIS SHIT!!

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