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NIKKI AWESOME PARISBit late in the day to be posting this but it’s still Valentine’s Day somewhere (in the future).

RUDE Magazine UK, a saucy little online publication asked me to come up with some sexy tips for Valentine’s Day.  Because I am nothing if not obliging (ha!) I did so, and then deeply bowed as if taking on the gestures of an 18th century aristocrat.  It’s how she roll.  Click HERE to read the piece at RUDE. 

It’s V-day –

Here’s what Nikki has to say on the topic:

 

  • If it’s flavoured, it’s sticky, and you may want to ask yourself “why do I need my partner’s bits to taste like penis-colada?”  Flavoured stuff is gross, not sexy. BAN IT.
  • When receiving “sexy gifts” – FYI, covering people in chocolate is pretty much a precursor to “hey… So I was thinking… Wanna watch BERLIN BATHROOM WARFARE later?” Run. (Unless you’re into it. I ain’t judgin’ but count me out.)
  • Upon receiving unsuitable floral arrangements – smile; gush, and remove  the offending bouquet from its wrapping.  Then turn abruptly, using your ‘stern unimpressed’ face, and immediate recycle those flowers into floggers. Repeat as desired.  Conclude this lesson with a haughty turn and the sounds of your stilettos clicking toward your boudoir, echoing the implied sentence “I believe you ARE AWARE I prefer OCEANIAS.”  Cue bedroom door.
  • Download the album SECRET SULK by the original love DESTRUCTRICE, DOLLS.  Fits the punishment and the crime.
  • If you’re the type who gets “down” instead of “getting down” on v-day, I suggest the following: source the best champagne you can afford and a similarly love-hating friend.  Attack a centrally located cinema with both, sneaking into romantic films to shout one-liners at the screen while also enjoying the fun of wearing dark sunglasses, posing as the mystery woman who shagged (insert actor/ress here…HA!). After being ejected, head immediately to Cartier/Tiffany’s and loudly demand to try on rings from their “divorce” or “mistress” section.  They HAVE to serve you.  As long as you don’t “appear intoxicated” you’ll get away scot-free to soak up the hangover with twice as much chocolate and floral arrangement – because they’re half price February 15th.

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