Haven’t blogged in ages; I KNOW. DON’T.
Just some general rules and top tips; feel free to add your own in the comments section.
Problem-Solving Your Boring Life
If you live anywhere else in the world, move to New York, get a quirky best friend who’s not gorgeous but not completely uggo, and up the ante by trading in your vintage duds with the help of a fabulous gay.
A leather vest says ‘I’m in control, here,’ especially if nobody took you seriously before.
If you’re a ‘Plain Jane’ who wears an ill-fitting parka or sport socks and trainers while you’re trying to get along in the world, move somewhere where guerrilla warfare happens, then accidentally break your glasses and ponytail elastic. Instantly become Kate Upton/Beyonce in the Survivor video.
Shaving your head, getting a crazy tattoo or spontaneously performing karaoke just makes everyone hotter and more interesting.
Breaking into a house might seem loco, but no one ever lives there and the liquor cabinet is always fully-stocked and incredibly easy to find. Fuck DNA evidence, drink from the bottle, you wildcat.
For the Ladies….
Have you been single forever? Find the most obnoxious man you could possibly find, and watch him go from zero to hero, as your resistance lowers over the course of 2.5 hours – with hilarious consequences!
It’s okay to have horrific table manners and be awful in front of your love interest’s friends, family and colleagues, because it’s ‘quirky,’ and guys love that.
A man smoking a cigar while wearing a hat does not have ‘good intentions.’
Guys want you to ask about their terrible secret, so you can help.
For the Gents…
If at first you are rebuffed by the object of your desire, it’s entirely acceptable to hatch a plan to trick them into falling for you using false identities, especially if it involves wearing a fake beard and scamming your way into attending a big work presentation or family funeral.
Apologies in the rain will mask and/or give you tears, as needed, and are the most sincere. She will take you back, even for doing her sister or getting her fired with your zany antics.
Not knowing or remembering someone’s name is instantly endearing.
If you break up with your girlfriend, she will either become mega-successful and famous doing that thing you always secretly sneered at, or alternately she will shag your friend and he’ll get herpes as a result.
Warning – if everything is going well, you’re happy and live in the suburbs, one of you is secretly cheating or about to die.
If you are travelling from New York to somewhere outside the United States, the airport you land in will be filled with peasants who will have brought livestock with them. Also nobody who speaks English for the next hour will be trustworthy.
All ‘world’ music includes the marimba and panflutes over a calypso beat.
All foreign men have incredible survival skills (including serious know-how on building incredible tree-forts), can wrestle gators/mountain lions, and will both find and cook you dinner (it will be something weird, but don’t worry, it tastes like chicken.)
The people of the charmingly backwards mountain town you’ve accidentally booked a trip to may dress in rags and have four teeth between the lot of them, but the mayor has a daughter blossoming into womanhood, who has never seen YOUR KIND before.
Even the most awkward, unathletic librarian-type can swing from a vine across a canyon. Don’t sweat it.
Violence and Crime
If you don’t know how to hot-wire a car, it’s stupid easy. If you already know how to hot-wire a car, the keys will be in the ignition.
It’s possible stop a bullet with a book, especially if it’s a religious text or something you were carrying around ironically; like your ex’s critically-acclaimed novel, which have topped the best-seller list five months after you got dumped.
If you’re stealing a gemstone, after you hold it up to the light to ensure it’s extra glimmery, be prepared to hear a pistol cock. It’s probably another criminal, 60% chance of them being hot, and true love forever happening.
No one can kill you with alligators.